Letter (On Externalising) 26/9/17

The Residence

26/9/17

I ask, and am asked, why self-harm? First, though evidently an appropriate term, "self-harm" is also not; I cannot speak for others but, in my own interests, it is a release, an escape: 

To put it succinctly - feeling such pain, frustration and anger as I do, there comes a time when one feels constricted, suffocated and trapped and I reach such depths of mood where things have compressed so tightly that some effective relief is needed and the ideas I have on such relief are not the best to have. For others, as well as myself. Thus the safest release I can enact incurs some mild danger of its own and I attempt to externalise this internal suffering. Is it totally effective? Of course not, but it does - albeit briefly - abate that tension and oppression. The residual pain is also something of a device that serves to render the act effective.

I do not undertake such actions lightly and resist as I may. Others may say that such actions serve as a reminder, for those who live in the depressive void, that one is alive, that they can feel. Yes, I'd have to agree with that but, for me, the liberation of the inner anguish that I endure is my primary thought. Frankly, feeling is something I can be all too capable of and I often try not to feel.

There is nothing perfect in this world. And I hope it's the last.

SP

Letter (On Dreams) 10/9/17

The Residence

10/9/17

I have of late been suffering from what I can only call psychosomatic dreams - dreams that leave residual physical symptoms upon waking. 

The details of these dreams are only clear in that fragile state that exists between sleep and awake and once a step is taken into the latter realm the dream is shattered irreparably and I am lucky if I recall the simplest detail.

The clearest detail I do have is from a dream which has yet to reoccur - in it I am at some point pierced in the testicle with a fine, long needle - for what reason I am unsure, though a sense of female retribution hangs over the event - and I awoke with a throbbing ache in the relevant region.

Other symptoms I have awakened with indicate that I had undergone physical exertions in some of my dreams, complete with racing heart.

At other times I have been left feeling emotionally worn out and compromised as though I had undergone some terribly trying trial. 

What these dreams can mean I do not know. But how I welcome their cessation.

SP