Letter (On Externalising) 26/9/17

The Residence

26/9/17

I ask, and am asked, why self-harm? First, though evidently an appropriate term, "self-harm" is also not; I cannot speak for others but, in my own interests, it is a release, an escape: 

To put it succinctly - feeling such pain, frustration and anger as I do, there comes a time when one feels constricted, suffocated and trapped and I reach such depths of mood where things have compressed so tightly that some effective relief is needed and the ideas I have on such relief are not the best to have. For others, as well as myself. Thus the safest release I can enact incurs some mild danger of its own and I attempt to externalise this internal suffering. Is it totally effective? Of course not, but it does - albeit briefly - abate that tension and oppression. The residual pain is also something of a device that serves to render the act effective.

I do not undertake such actions lightly and resist as I may. Others may say that such actions serve as a reminder, for those who live in the depressive void, that one is alive, that they can feel. Yes, I'd have to agree with that but, for me, the liberation of the inner anguish that I endure is my primary thought. Frankly, feeling is something I can be all too capable of and I often try not to feel.

There is nothing perfect in this world. And I hope it's the last.

SP

Letter (On Dreams) 10/9/17

The Residence

10/9/17

I have of late been suffering from what I can only call psychosomatic dreams - dreams that leave residual physical symptoms upon waking. 

The details of these dreams are only clear in that fragile state that exists between sleep and awake and once a step is taken into the latter realm the dream is shattered irreparably and I am lucky if I recall the simplest detail.

The clearest detail I do have is from a dream which has yet to reoccur - in it I am at some point pierced in the testicle with a fine, long needle - for what reason I am unsure, though a sense of female retribution hangs over the event - and I awoke with a throbbing ache in the relevant region.

Other symptoms I have awakened with indicate that I had undergone physical exertions in some of my dreams, complete with racing heart.

At other times I have been left feeling emotionally worn out and compromised as though I had undergone some terribly trying trial. 

What these dreams can mean I do not know. But how I welcome their cessation.

SP  

Hope

Given the current political climate the world seems to be enduring I thought it appropriate that my first post of 2017 should be the following image:

This is the Sindarin word 'estel' which, in English, translates as 'hope'.

And, boy, do we need it ...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Sharman Prince offers their best wishes for the festive season to one and all ...

See you in 2017 if not sooner ...

When is a 'UK' tour not a 'UK' tour?

Okay, this is going to be a bit of a rant but ti is something that increasingly annoys me:

Over recent years a number of touring production have advertised that they are commencing a 'UK tour' when, in reality, the said tour is touring only one constituent country of the UK (usually just England) or - perhaps even worse - a small part of one constituent country.

Now, in my eyes, when you hear someone say 'UK' you think of Great Britain and Northern Ireland i.e. England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales - the four nations that make up the United Kingdom. Even if you say 'Britain' or 'British tour' then one would normally think of the four nations.

Yes, there are those less intellectually inclined who think the 'UK' of 'Britain' constitutes little more than England (and vise-versa - there are those who say 'England' when, in reality, they mean the United Kingdom) but when it comes to business - even the one called 'show' - one would assume a professional attitude would be assumed and that accuracy would be paramount.

So it is with increasing irritation that I come across a production which peaks my interest and lures me in with the notion that they are touring the UK - i.e. the four nations - lulling me into thinking that, even if they're not coming to my city (I am fortunate to make my home in the largest city in Scotland), they will be touring somewhere near me, at least somewhere in the country in which I call home (in this case Scotland). But, when one looks at the actual dates and venues of the said tour, it turns out that rather than visiting all four nations the production is only visiting one or two. It's bad enough when an announced 'UK' tour omits only Northern Ireland but when a production is only touring one country then I feel duped. Surely using the term 'UK tour' is false advertising when it not a tour of all four countries?

There have been occasions when a proposed 'UK' tour advises that 'further dates are to be announced' when, initially, one or two countries are omitted and this is later rectified when additional dates are added. But this is not always the case and  one or two countries never receive the tour and I have contacted productions previously over this.

To me, if a production and its producer knows that the tour is only touring particular countries then it should be advertised as so (what's wrong with being honest and advertising as an 'England tour', 'Regional tour' or 'Welsh tour' etc.?).

The reason I bring this up is because the response I received from the Twitter account of the current production of 'The Boys in the Band' when I brought this notion up seemed to be rather flippant in my eyes. The full conversation (so far) follows:

Touring productions are important to me because theatre (art in general) is vital to society and the more variety there is available to people around the nations, the better. It isn't always easy leaving your local area to go and see a production that interests you; there are the cost implications, the time factors, not to mention that, for some people, their health prevents them from making the necessary journeys. So, bringing a production to a wide audience is always a plus.

Just labeling a production correctly will ease the irritation I feel. Sure, I'd be a bit annoyed if a production wasn't coming anywhere near me, but if it's advertised as an 'English tour' (or such) then I wouldn't be so annoyed as when I look into the venues for a 'UK' tour to find it is, in fact, only touring England.

I know I go on a bit, and I really don't like to rant, but sometimes it's good to vent.

Enjoy your days and enjoy the theatre that's available to you!

Tengwar

The Life I Never Led?

I wrote this several months back but failed to publish it. It's still relevant so I publish it unedited:


So I am but a few short months shy of my 33rd birthday and as I look back and contemplate and the life I never led I am forced to confront the unalterable truth that in my years upon this rock I have achieved nothing. Whilst others around my plough on with successful careers, family lives and other assortments that constitute the milieu of life the only thing I can say I have done is survive. Survive the trivial issues which have plagued my existence. But that isn't enough is it? Not for me and certainly not for anyone else who would know me. I have nothing to show for my worth.

I am a nihilist, a fatalist and, though I try, I think one cannot, ultimately change one's nature. I am the way I am and it is only in accepting that fact that is it possible to look at things with any objectivity. After all if one deludes himself with a false impression then any possible outcome or solution would be nullified when any attempt at implementation was acted upon.

One thing I am, and for some times have been, aware of is that I have no desired purpose. My guess is that many people know what it is they wish to accomplish in their life but this is not so with myself. There is no career that has really called to me at the cost of all else, although I am very aware that the creative arts are were I am most strongly drawn. Once upon a time I would have said I wished to be an actor but many moons ago I realised that this was not the case; I found I disagreed with most decisions made by directors, that I would always play too much and not take the job seriously enough, that only following the completion of a run would I be able to offer the performance what it needed. Yet I still very much enjoy singing and some years ago, perhaps naturally, found I had a natural aptitude for directing but, alas, life interferes in any pursuit of these.

Christopher Isherwood wrote 'I am a camera', perhaps his most famous quote, but I am a blank page waiting to be writ upon. Until then I serve no purpose in life.

I wonder if I search for something other than the things I lament. In many ways I have always felt ill at ease with the world at large, out of place with the people around me and greatly dissatisfied with the world, how it works and what it has to offer. Perhaps I still grieve for the things I have lost so many years ago and part of me will forever remain incomplete and will continue aching for something to replace them.

I wonder. As always.

Update

Just a quick message to say to the loyal few (or one) that I am not dead.
The reason I've not posted anything of late is that I've been experiencing some medical issues. I'm also frightfully lazy which is also a bit of a hindrance.

There are things I've seen and/or read that I could have blogged about and at some point they may appear on this blog but, for now, bear with me.

Be well and happy!

Sharman

A Life Worth Reflection?

As the fibromyalgia that riddles my body continues to metamorphose, defying my attempts to 'adapt', I come to a point where I begin to ask 'what kind of a life do I actually have?' I ask what dreams and wishes I had and realise how few, if any, have been fulfilled.
This then leads me into thinking that there are and have been things that were in my control and things that were not.

As I look back I come to realise that there are so very many things that I regret; choices not taken, chances not observed and mistakes made.
I have not been one of those people who is able to see opportunity or one who is able to capitalise on any talent given me. Whilst others are able to concentrate and visualise their career goals and options, looking forward is not a strength of mine. Only when I have, say, a project on the go can I make any sort of projections. Where I am concerned I am secondary in the scheme of things.
When opportunities and the such might have shown up other things appear to have taken my attention; I drift from one thing to another, I move where fate deems to take me. At least that is what I might say. In reality not having a specific focus - only in later life has any inkling of what I want to do with my life come to me - allows other distractions to steal focus; the pursuit of love an example. And to what end? I am here ultimately alone.

Throughout my educational life it would have been much easier were I to have had a goal to work toward but I didn't. I tended to choose subjects and pursuits that I enjoyed never thinking about which may be more appropriate to help towards my goal - after all I had none! The same applied to University where I undertook a course in a subject I enjoyed but never thought would be a subject that I wanted to pursue career-wise. As it turned out I discovered, toward the very end of my degree course, that there was a part of the subject that seriously interested me and over the next few years that followed that interest became more acute until I realised that here was the goal I wish I'd had when I was a teenager. Now, progressing from my late 20s into my early 30s, I realised, with horror, that the field in which I wished to pursue a career was really one where you had to have started earlier. The chance, like many others before and since in my life, had passed.

I have said that I was blind to observing opportunity and this was (and maybe still is) true across my life; it is not just regarding a career that I am unobservant. I fail to recognise signs that a person is 'interested' in me, fail to understand when someone is offering me a lifeline. I have never wanted to take advantage of any other person and I fear that this attitude has played against me on more than one occasion.

I am not a confident person in any real applicable way. I am no great looker, have nothing but doubt in any talent I might once have possessed. I can feign confidence but when push comes to shove my true attitude comes to the fore. This can be crippling for any person irregardless of their profession or social standing and here my lack of self-belief, in anything to do with myself, is one which continues to set me back where I am always three steps behind.
It is also probably true that I am very much a coward.

And then, of course, when, in these later years, such dawning has arisen in my mind I find that a new enemy has come upon me. Fibromyalgia, an 'invisible' condition that can be looked down upon even by health care professionals, is eating away at any semblance of life I retain. The physical and emotional toil that it exudes upon me is enough to make me think that any last flickering chance I might have had to pursue the things I love has been extinguished. Here is the most pressing concern of my life - how to live with this accursed blight. The things that most take for granted - job, partner, friends - are now a distant shadow to me.

Living is different to existing and for these past few years I have only really been able to do the latter.
As I watch my social and professional life flit away (the latter well before the former) there are moments of brief despair. But I continue to try to 'adapt' though with little success as the condition continues to evolve, change and assume lordship over me. I am subject to its whims and were I to rebel it would always be at a dear cost.

So these are factors that come to my mind when I think of 'what if?' There are aspects which I could have, for certain, taken control of but there are also the aspects over which I have no control and lately these are the more prominent. I can make no excuse for the sad state of affairs I come to find myself in but this is my curse; that I must live knowing these things. And that I will live in probable regret for ever such a long time.
Even my dreams are torture to me.

I see myself for what I am. That is all. At least I am not blind to that.

I believe I shall be one of those whose greatest achievements are well behind them and to die will be an awful big adventure.

Sad But True

It's a sad thing to know that, here in the UK, whilst I am technically free to move from country to country (Wales, Scotland, England and Northern Ireland) my health limits my options.

Being as reliant as I am to the NHS (which David Cameron is all but destroying) when considering a move I must first and foremost consider what the health services are like in any particular area/country. I'll say here now that I have not the slightest interest in moving to Ireland and that's not because I dislike it. It simply doesn't appeal to me for whatever reason.

Out of the remaining three it seems that Scotland is the best health-wise as they have free prescriptions (as does Wales whilst England charge more than £7 per item!), excellent services and waiting times are not excessive (in Wales they can be). Were I to live in England the mere cost of the drugs I have been prescribed this past year (and which have had no effect on me - and, no, I don't continue to take them when that is the case. Rather I trial a drug for a period and then move on if need be) would have set me back several hundreds of pounds which I am no position to afford. Yes it's true that those on benefits do not pay for prescriptions in England but were I to be in a low paid job then the cost of drugs would put me off putting in the prescription in the first place. And I don't think the waiting times are as good as in Scotland (correct me if I am wrong). I would not be doing myself any favours, in other words.
When I lived in England previously I also came across quite a lot of xenophobia which also puts me off living there again, although there are many parts of England which are not so biased. In fact England, indeed all countries that make up the UK, have much to offer ranging from countryside to culture and arts. And were I a healthy man then, perhaps, I would look to move back into England.
But I am not a healthy man and as such I must put my health first.

I love the UK, I really do, and it angers me so much to see all the divisions and differences - policy-wise etc. - that exists between the nations. It also angers me that the current government seems to be intent on ripping up all that the things that the UK should be proud of - a national health service, the ability to help those in need with compassion and empathy (this the current ConDem government has none of).

There have been times when I have thought about moving abroad but then I am faced with that same wall - money and health. If I were born in a time before the NHS then I would have been left to fend for myself, unable to pay for the most basic of medical care. I would have been left to rot.
What frightens me now is that Cameron is on the road to bringing such times back to this country. And that is indeed frightening to me and anyone else in my position.
We are able to have some, basic, standard of living because of what the UK was able to do in the past century. I just hope that this century doesn't undo all the good that has gone before and that this dark period is but fleeting moment in time and that the Sun of humanity will reveal itself in the not to distant future, restoring the qualities of old so that I can once again move about without having to ponder the differences in services and quality that each country has to offer. In other words; I hope that the separate countries of the UK can celebrate their uniqueness whilst being in harmony when it comes to the public services they offer.

The Reality Of Friendship And Being Ill

I'm sure that every person is guilty of having let time pass them by without them realising it; letting many months pass between meetings with a friend, unconsciously forgetting to get in touch etc. etc.; I know I am!
But I have come to realise that, since fibromyalgia has really started to affect my day to day living, my friends have, perhaps not intentionally, distanced themselves and have made little effort in continuing our relationship, despite my own efforts.

I wonder if it is all too easy to put aside the person who is 'ill' and who is rarely able to attend social gatherings or 'nights out', after all when one is in the hubbub of the excitement and events of such occasions then the person or persons who are not present are usually the farthest things on the mind. But it appears that this constant fact, no doubt repeated since the 'ill' person is rarely ever able to attend, becomes habit and the lack of thought extends into the every day.

When these friends are reminded of one's existence one is usually met with an 'oh, it's been too long' response together with a half-hearted attempt at a reunion. Which, as yet, has always led to nothing.

That is not to say that I don't still treasure my time with my friends, when it does happen, but this is all too rare and human companionship is a vital part of life. I have all too few friends who I see on a quasi-regular basis and loneliness is a major factor of my life these days.

Making new friends is, perhaps, even harder since the ways in which one usually meets new people, at social gatherings, through other people etc., are not always available to me because of the condition I was blessed with. the fact that most of my existing friends have metaphorically moved themselves away from me further exacerbates the fact.
These days I am virtually reliant on the internet and its online world. Making friends of any value online is almost impossible and I do not truly count any association made online as a 'real' friendship. After all, what is friendship? I mean, real friendship? Think about it.

And to further the discussion; I have all but given up hope of ever finding a romantic partner as a) it is difficult to meet new people (see above), and b) the mere mention of an illness (I will not lie) is enough to either put people off entirely or reduce me, in their eyes, as someone unequal to themselves who should be pitied - and any partnership that I want means one of equal stature.
I will probably never be able to earn like any future (if only) partner or have the quality of life and all its experiences that the other may want and obtain. So, I wonder, could any future romantic involvement be an an 'equal' one?
I wonder, indeed.

But I am thankful for small mercies. I am grateful that, when the weather is good, I am able to look at the world and see the beauty and glory that exists; beauty and glory that most people overlook.
In my life being involuntarily slowed-down I can look and experience, almost at leisure, the simplest things that another might take for granted.
And most of the time I can observe people and their interactions with their friends and with their partners without jealousy. Most of the time.

Finding the positive ?

It is often said that the challenges one may face in life are, in actuality, life lessons that are placed before us so that we may learn from them, that they can be seen as tests of a person's character. And while it may be true it has to be said that not everyone can face these challenges, that some people simply don't have it in them to deal with such things, especially if challenge follows challenge.
I believe I am one such person: I do my best to cope with obstacles and the things that life thrusts at me but I fear that there is only so much I can take.

This is not to say that such people as myself are weak in character or any such thing but, rather, that due to circumstance we are unable to accommodate such drastic changes or events as easily as another person.

What I am talking about is mental illness - depression and the such - which renders some people unable to cope with such challenges which, to any other person, may be a mere frustration or an annoyance. Indeed people with mental health issues (not to mention any other health problems they may have!) may not be able to see beyond the event that is presented before them, unable to see the positive in the great big negative that rears its ugly head.

I do try to look at things as a lesson and sometimes, usually some time after, I can find a positive but, as each day passes, as I am frustrated at my body letting me down, my mind progressively stalling, at my frustrations with my personal flaws, I find it harder and harder to find any real purpose to these events: I cannot fathom the good that might emerge from these incidents.
And I do not like tests - I often crumble under such situations and my coping mechanism is utterly buggered when I need it the most.

I speak of this because there has been numerous an occasion when such things have happened to me. Yes, I've come out the other side but not necessarily stronger. In fact, I often feel utterly drained and exhausted, as if another piece of me has been chipped away by life and its apparent unfairness. And each time it gets harder.

Oh, boo hoo, I guess. But I do honestly feel that some people are luckier than others and that there are those who cannot get a break in life, despite all their positive actions and thoughts. I realise life isn't fair but it's also true that life is much more of a struggle for some. The smallest thing can be a mountain to face and when one reflects it isn't so easy to be proud of an achievement that would be a mere trifle to another person.

'Fishmonger's Wife' and 'Disco Tastic'

Here are two songs that were written, performed and recorded in 1999 by Performing Arts students at Swansea College (and, yes, I was one of them):

The first is 'Fishmonger's Wife' which was written very much with our tongues in our cheeks, hence the innuendo laden lyrics.

The Second is 'Disco Tastic' which is my favourite. This song was originally intended to be a love ballad but my best friend and I really loved the idea of a word being repeated throughout an entire song and the word we came up with was 'Discotastic'. Thus the ballad become an homage to the 70s disco movement. 'Discotastic' was also relegated to the refrain so the constant repeating of the word was limited.

This was also the time when vocal distortions (a la 'Believe') were being used in pop music and we thought we'd have some of that.

We had fun coming up with the lyrics although some of the original ones we came up with were a bit risque so were substituted ('I'm not what I appear' is an example. My friend Les came up with the original as a joke but we all loved it. However it was decided that it should be replaced. Care to guess what the original was?).

Hope you enjoy listening to them as much as we did making them.



Happy New Year

Hello, you faithful few.

Sharman Prince would like to wish you a 'happy new year'!

May 2012 bring you much happiness in all its manifestations.

Fare thee well, 2011

x

Whatever Happened To Christmas?

Having journeyed back to my hometown to spend the festive period with my family I have got to thinking as to the state of Christmas in present day. I talk not of the religious aspect of the holiday (the actual birth date of Christ has been much discussed) but of the human aspect; the feelings that the holiday engenders.
I’m sure we are all aware that the holiday has been vastly over-commercialised with the lead up to the day itself beginning as soon as the first of September but  I don’t know about you but this certainly is a major overdose and by the time Christmas week hits I am virtually Christmas-ed out.
This year, for the first time in a long age, I actually felt ‘festive’ and was greatly looking forward to December 25^th. By the time it came around, however, it felt as though my mind had already moved forward in time to beyond Christmas.
Over the years, as ever, I have hoped for that same feeling that I experienced in my youth when Christmas was a time to be cherished and savoured, a time when the extended family, neighbours and friends would visit to celebrate with the inevitable parties and I still recall the food and drink that would be available. The spirit of Christmas was in attendance. Not so in recent years: Whilst I still enjoy the time with the family that sense of celebration and joviality is lacking and the closeness enjoyed by the family and friends is somewhat shattered. No doubt this is inevitable for as time passes people move away, new people enter our lives and death claims some of those close to us. What once was can never be again but surely we can recapture the essence of what we once had?
Or is it too late? Has society, and its attitude to Christmas, altered so much that those halcyon days longed for are simply a dream that can only ever be fondly remembered?
Beyond the day itself we are also seeing it become a precursor to the commercial sales which have moved, throughout my lifetime, from starting in January to Boxing Day. How quickly Christmas is forgotten once the day has arrived. Such realisation get me to thinking about the proposed return of the messiah; that the return would be at a time when the important lessons once learned and re-taught have once more been forgotten or abandoned. For a believer is this not the time? Certainly the ‘season of good will’ is dead. After all, a day cannot be called a ‘season’ now, can it?
But never mind my own personal experience and desire - social media reflects the modern attitude; one where ungrateful children tweet about their lack of an I-phone as a present and where the thought behind a gift is not the important thing. Is this not as far from the ‘meaning of Christmas’ as we have yet gotten? It saddens me that material gain has become so prevalent in our western culture that it overrides any sense of selflessness and charity at the one time of the year when they should be most prevalent. But there are European cultures that still treasure Christmas in a more traditional way, retaining the long held meanings. I can only hope that the future sees a return to the best of Christmas and what it can bring out in my fellow man. I also hope that when, eventually, I am settled I am able to go about celebrating Christmas in a way that reflects my memories with someone with whom I can build new memories and traditions whilst sharing those of old.

Seasonal Greetings and Merry Christmas to all!

As I write this I am packing and preparing to journey down south for the festive holiday: I am loathe to travel but it's a necessity when visiting family back home.

As I'm sure you are, gentle reader, I am hoping for an enjoyable Christmas whilst at the same time I'll be thinking of those who have reason not to be so merry. I hope that they can find peace and contentment, at least.
Let's hope it's a good one for all!

So I just want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas!

To leave or not to leave?

That is the question.

Of late I have been feeling rather restless and frustrated with my current location, especially with it being so far from the theatres of London. Indeed it is rather a hassle (and an expensive one) to get down to those gold-paved streets.
Since my life seems to be stagnating in my current locale I have begun thinking about moving on though I am at a loss as to where! The obvious place is London but I have so many factors that I have to consider none more so than my health. The country I currently live in has been very good to me, health-wise, complete with free prescriptions which, in England, would cost me a bomb! London is also rather pricey (I've lived there before) and the most lonely of places, especially if getting out is difficult as it can be for myself.
Other things include access to various things such as shops, transport as well as other cultural pursuits.
One place I know I will not return to is my home town which is breathing its last.

So, I continue to mull it all over, never getting to a final decision.
At times like this I wish someone was able to just tell me what to do ...

I can't

In recent months I have been attempting to deal with and come to terms with my fibromyalgia. I have not been having much success.
Believe it or not I am a fiercely independent soul who loathes to be at the mercy of anyone else. Hence my frustration and deep dissatisfaction with my current situation.
When I was younger I had dreams and desires and whilst I was never in a hurry to fulfil them I now find that I am, and will be, unable to fulfil them in the future.
The limitations of this chronic condition is made apparent to me each day when the simplest, everyday, task can be an Everest-like hurdle to overcome. I won't ask for help. Call it pride, call it whatever, but I cannot bring myself to admit defeat.
The truly torturous thing about this condition is when I am reminded of what I have wanted to do, what I was once able to do, and what I can probably never do again.
These days it is more a matter of learning to live again within the limitations of my body and mind.
And that feels like death to me.

Use well the days. If you can.

Sometimes (often actually) I feel that fibromyalgia is winning the war on my life.
Today, as for the past few days, the sun has been shining down on us amidst blue skies. Summer!

I, however, have been feeling really quite terrible and find it a great struggle to even get to my kitchen.
Fatigue, lack of concentration and sluggishness are a few of the things I am combating each day and on such glorious days I feel like that I am so missing out on things. I am forced to endure memories of when I was able to enjoy the days and the nostalgia wracks me up!

I keep fighting against it but I fear that all my efforts are in vain as every small effort I make costs me more in pain and lethargy. So when I do attempt to make the most of the sun, I cannot.

It has not gone unnoticed that my social life has almost breathed its last. I imagine that it's at times like these that you realise who actually really gives a shit about you. Certainly in the last few years people have distanced themselves and fibromyalgia has cost me relationship wise.

As it is I am loathe to look out of the window, after all it only reinforces what I am missing out on in life.

I am aware that I am, perhaps, not as reconciled with this condition as I once thought I was ...

Fibromyalgia Sucks!

Since I suffer with fibromyalgia I thought that I'd try and describe, every now and then, what it is like to live with it and how it affects my life day to day.

I am not medically trained in any way so I'll say here and now that sometimes it is quite difficult to accurately describe the symptoms but I can only do my best.

In my legs, especially in my shins most days, and joints I endure a pain that is like a dull, dental, ache which very occasionally becomes a sharp and sudden pain with no forewarning. I also feel a painful sensation akin to when one stretches a muscle and feels the ache. However, it's as if that ache just goes on and on with no release. It can seem especially bad at night when I am attempting to sleep. This may seem so because, without any other distraction to take your attention, you can notice the pain more. I may be wrong but it certainly is a form of torture, believe me.

The condition has also affected my mobility and flexibility. I was never the most bendy of people but I can say that once upon a time I was quite flexible. Nowadays, however, that flexibility is a distant memory. a simple example is that I find it painful and rather difficult to spread my fingers wide and straight and cannot create a strong fist. My grasp on objects has also been affected and I must take care when picking up objects. This especially makes things like cooking and showering an adventure!

On the funny side, my joints and bones pop and crunch when I move which can often amuse me. I have no idea why.
I guess it's better to laugh than cry, right?